A Non-exhaustive List of My OCD “Peeves”

  • When my certain family members once thought my OCD was just a silly “phase”—you know, like reading comic books and being attracted to guys—one which I’ll eventually grow out of.

  • When I reassure people my triggers aren’t value judgments and regret never pursuing acting. If only I could have found a method.

  • When I’m in the middle of a ritual following one trigger and a different trigger, demanding a different ritual, occurs.

  • When I had to learn how to do almost everything with my left hand after those times I just couldn’t avoid a handshake.

    • When I let my right hand—my “dirty” hand—hang dead at my side, I could never teach myself how to write with my left.

  • When people think having OCD makes me comparable to Benedict Cumberbach’s portrayal of SherlockHolmes. As if I need to be more socially awkward.

    • Semi-related: When I watch TV and “forensic specialists” examine a corpse with latex gloved hands, then answer cell phones with those same gloved hands.

  • When I find a long hair in my Pad See Ew mid-chew, politely decline the offer of a new lunch, and the server gets annoyed.

  • When the pharmacist licks his index finger before touching each piece of paperwork and asking for my check card.
  • When I see a Macy’s salesman flossing by the register, flinging pre-digested bits this way and that. He scowls when I ask for a different cashier .

  • When a guy with explosive diarrhea washes his hands for 10 seconds, then aerosolizes his shit for 45 using the air dryer right next to me.

  • When three near strangers (i.e., the acquaintances of some friends of my friends) at a gay pool party a couple summers ago found out about my OCD and lectured me about how stupid I am for ten minutes.

    • When I asked one of those three if he’d washed his hands after fucking a guy in the bathroom, he scowled at me, livid.When the schmuck answered, he said, “I did not! But how’s what I do with my body any of your fuckin’ business?” I did not point out the irony of his objection.

  • When folks condescend, “What you call ‘germs,’ make us healthier in the end. You know, whatever the next pandemic is, it’s going to make you look like a fool.”

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